A day in the life of…

Here is a brief glimpse into the internet messaging world of Josh and Chris.  Please enjoy.

 

Josh: if you die, you die.

Chris: that’s blunt

Josh: Chris, we are all going to die… that is 100% true.

Josh: you can’t fight it forever

Chris: but I can hide for a while

Chris: you can’t say with 100% accuracy that I’m going to die

Chris: you can say that 100% of the people who have died were alive but who knows what science will bring us

Josh: I will say with 100% accuracy that science will never be able to make man (or animals) immortal

Josh: I would bet my life on it!

Chris: whoa

Chris: if you could would you want to live forever?

Josh: no way

Chris: why not

Josh: I have a feeling your quality of life would deteriorate

Chris: in my immortality you stay the same age, like a vampire

Chris: so you’re 31 forever

Josh: ewe… can I choose a different age.

Chris: um…yes

Josh: I will be 17 like edward cullin

Chris: but it can’t be in the past

Chris: you can’t go backwards. so if you were currently 17 you could pick that but since you’re past it you can’t

Josh: think about how sad it would be to see everyone you love die

Chris: you’re going to experience the majority of that anyways

Josh: you don’t know that

Chris: by that logic you should kill yourself right now so you wouldn’t have to deal with the loss

Josh: you say the dumbest things sometimes

Chris: ha, do not

Josh: Chris logic… if you say it would be sad to see everybody die… you should kill yourself.

Josh: nice leap

Chris: it’s a bit harsh but I stand by it

Josh: you’re dumb

Chris: if you did that you wouldn’t see anyone die, right?

Chris: problem solved!

Josh: I just said it would be sad… I’m not being suicidal

Chris: I may not want to live forever but I would like to live for a very long time

Chris: but I don’t want to be a vampire

Josh: 85 years sounds good to me

Chris: I’m thinking 200 years

Josh: nah, too long… I am lowering mine to 80

Chris: ok, I’m going up to 225

Josh: are we negotiating?

Chris: maybe?

Chris: I’m not sure how this works, my manual is on backorder

Josh: Chris…

Josh: I just threw up a bunch of bacon

Josh: here’s the weird part, I haven’t eaten bacon in weeks

Chris: oh no

Chris: oh no!!!!!!!

Chris: josh, kill yourself

Chris: it’s the only way

Josh: my gun is right here… loaded and ready to go

Chris: NO!!!

Chris: I was kidding

Chris: we’re gullies, I think if you kill yourself I have to

Chris: or I at least have to attempt it

Josh: oh no, my bullets have turned into pork chops!

Chris: this is not good

Josh: I pulled the trigger and ham squirted out!

Chris: awesome

Chris: youtube it

Chris: josh…

Josh: yes

Chris: Ashley is going to a Mexican restaurant for happy hour

Josh: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Chris: she’s as good as gone

Chris: I hope she said goodbye to Owen

Josh: increase the life ins policy!!

Chris: I’m on it!

Chris: btw: I’m blogging this entire conversation

Josh: no you aren’t.  you didn’t even blog our last misadventures… you’re too lazy

Chris: yes I am lazy but I’ll post this

Chris: I think people would enjoy our thoughts on death and pig disease

Josh: so what is the starting point?  this WHOLE session?

Chris: oh yeah

Chris: I may edit for content

Chris: I’m going to start with Josh: if you die, you die

Chris: and go up to Chris: I’m going to start with Josh: if you die, you die

Josh: awesome, and loop it over and over again!

Chris: bingo

Josh: FYI, I might be getting into the hog trap business

Chris: that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said

Josh: I hope not

Chris: ok, I’m out of here, got to go get the chosen one

Did you know?

I honestly have no idea what to write about.  I had a really funny idea involving my friends and a bracket but was advised that wouldn’t go over very well.  So I thought I would write about something I know, myself!  The following are random facts about me that you may or may not know.  I hope you enjoy.

I was born and raised in Oklahoma City and I’m proud of it…but I don’t ever want to live there again.  I applied to exactly one college and had no back up plan if I didn’t get in.  I have a degree in Interior Design and I HATE it when people call me an interior decorator.  No, I’m not a decorator, no I will not help you pick out fabric for new sofa and no I will not pick out accessories for your bookshelf.  I will, however, help you pick out paint colors for your house.  But that’s it!  My high school class ring says I played golf for the school but I never did. I did play soccer though but that was after I got the ring.  Oh well.  I have a very unhealthy fear of grasshoppers that stems from being swarmed by a rogue flock? pack? swarm? of grasshoppers at an early age.  I kid you not a grasshopper the size of a VW beetle landed on my chest and freaked out!

I am a Scuba diver and have an Advanced Open Water certificate.  That means I can dive to 130 feet, go on night dives, assist in rescuing items and help guide you safely to wherever you are going.  I’ve been as deep as 160 feet and my favorite time to dive is at night.  There’s a bit of fear associated with and it’s as close to being in outer space as I can get.  My lucky number is 24, I love cold weather better than warm weather and drinking whole milk makes me vomit.  I hate eating sugary cereal, I could eat doughnuts and pizza every day and if it were socially acceptable I would have an IV of diet coke at all times.  The first time I ever got drunk was with my family at my sisters college graduation.  We were at my parents house and drinking root beer bombers and I drank about two too many.  The best part of the story is while I was drunk my friend (who was drunker than me) and I went to an after prom party which was intended to keep kids from drinking.

While growing up we had one cat, two dogs and three horses.  We had a very large lot of land where we had a shop and a barn.  We had a riding lawn mower and I would ride it to neighbors houses and mow their yards for some sweet cash.  My first job was working for a company called All Right Back Yards where we would go out to peoples houses and build sheds and play/swing sets.  It was fun only because of the people I worked with.  I’ve been laid off once before and I’m scared to death I’m going to get laid off this year.

One of my ex girlfriends as on The Bachelor but she didn’t make it past the first round.  One of my girlfriends in high school started stalking me after I broke up with her.  She would sit in her car and wait for me to pass her on my way home and then she would follow me home.  She would also just be at my house talking to my mom when I got home so I couldn’t avoid her.  The worst was when she came to my house drunk and told me she was going to kill herself.  I spent three hours with her that night until I talked her off the ledge (not literally off a ledge, she was going to slit her wrist).  I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have done anything but it was still scary.  I mean, come on, am I really worth killing yourself over?

I think that’s it for now.  Hopefully you learned something about me.

My blog maternity leave

I know it’s been a while but I’ve been very busy for the past couple of months.  As you probably know Ashley and I had Owen on December 4th!  All is well with the family and we’re adjusting to life with a child.  I’m not sure how this is going to work with posting about Owen and posting about the other brilliantly disappointing things I like to talk about.  I think I’ll make my family related post on Ashley’s site and leave this one for the rest of the silly things I do.

I really, really don’t want to be that guy that only talks about his kid but it’s hard not to.  He’s amazing!  He’s learning to smile and hold his head up and he’s cooing and babbling more and more every day.  See, there I go!  He has become the center of our world but I love every minute of it.  I can’t wait to get home after work to spend time with him and Owen.  But I digress.

This year will definitely be the tear of the kid but I also want this to be the year of learning musical instruments.  I learned how to play guitar in college but I’m not very good.  Also I’ve always wanted to learn to play piano.  So this is the year I improve my guitar playing AND learn to play piano!  Hopefully…  I’ve been practicing my guitar playing and it’s not too bad.  Owen seems to like it.  So wish me luck and if you have any advice I’m listening.  I also promise to post more.

P.S.  I had to type this whole thing with one hand, the other is holding Owen.  How’s that for being a multi tasking father of the 21st century!!

And so it begins

We’ve made it to the hospital to start the induction.  It’s very confusing and a little bit scary but so far all is well.  As of right now not much is going on.  Ashley is hooked up to an I.V. and we’re waiting on the medicine to kick start everything.  If all goes well Owen will be here tomorrow!  I will keep everyone posted as things progress.

Happy Halloween

In responsee to my wife’s blog post; me and the gang, (that’s right, I’m in a gang) carved pumpkins the other day.

There’s nothing precious about this!!!

San Antonio? More like San An-boring-o

Have you been to San Antonio lately?  No?  Well don’t bother.  Ashley and I went there this past weekend for a little pre-baby getaway.  Now usually I’m a vacation planner but this time I decided to wing it.  Besides, it’s San Antonio, there’s tons of things to do, right?  The Alamo, the riverwalk, umm…  apparently that’s about it.  Oh wait, they have a lot, a LOT of Mexican restaurants.

We got there on Friday and picked up our rental car, an electric blue PT Cruiser.  (if you own a PT Cruiser skip to the next paragraph).  This has to be by far the worst car I’ve ever driven.  No acceleration, no features, no fun.

But it’s just a rental car, no biggie.  So I floored and eventually got it up to highway speed and we were off to Gruene.  I know, we’re supposed to be going to San Antonio but Ashley and I have started a vacation tradition of taking a mini vacation within a vacation.  A couple of years ago we went to Tahoe and decided to go to San Francisco and Napa Valley in the middle of that vacation.  It usually turns out to be the best part of the vacation.  This time was no exception.  We got to Gruene, went to eat at the Gristmill and walked around to all the little shops.  It was a great day and we had great food and a great time.

Now on to San Antonio!  We get to our hotel room and it’s great.  I highly recommend the new Hyatt Place chain.  We had a nice bed, a separate living room area and a huge HD flat screen TV.  But no time for TV!  Let’s hit the riverwalk!  There will be tons of things to do and awesome places to eat and good times to be had!  Or so I thought.  After this trip I’ve decided that San Antonio is a place for one of two kinds of people.  You’re either, in college and want to be drunk alot, or you’re from a town smaller than San Antonio and you think fine dining is the Hard Rock.  Yes, we ate at Hard Rock.  You know why?  Because it was either that or the third Mexican restaurant in two days.  Let me give you a breakdown of what we ate.  Burgers, mexican, breakfast, mexican, Italian (which had mariachi band?), breakfast, burgers and finally Pei Wei.  Yes, Pei Wei.

Dont’ get me wrong, we had good food, but part of the fun of vacation is going to new places and eating new food and all this city had to offer me was either Linguine while listening to De Colores or eating chinese food that I can have any day of the week?  Oh well, at least we avoided Dick’s Last Resort.

Now let me tell you a little story about…The Alamo.  “Remember the Alamo!”  You know why they say that?  Because it’s so boring you forget about the Alamo about 10 minutes after you leave.  Seriously, what’s the big deal?  I’ve been told I don’t understand it because I’m a damn Okie but I honestly don’t get it.  The first time we tried to go there was a crazy long line so we decided to go back the next day.  Next day rolls around and we walk straight in, to an old empty building with a couple of flags in it and…that’s about it.  Even Ashley, a life long Texan, didn’t see what was so special about it.  I know, it’s a big part of Texas history and brave people died there so I understand that part, I just don’t want to go back.  And the part I can’t get over is that they lost the battle at the Alamo.  Why don’t we hold the other places where we actually won in as high regard as the Alamo.  It’s even named after a city in Mexico!  I know some of you think I’m just a dumb outsider who doesn’t get it and you’re right.  I don’t get it.  But I’m sure there’s something about Oklahoma that I love that you would probably think is idiotic.  So let’s call it even.

Long story short (too late)  we had a great time.  But the reason we had a great time was because we were together and we can’t help but have a good time.  I love my boo and it doesn’t matter if I’m in a mexican restaurant, a boring old mission, or sitting in a hotel room watching a nice big TV.  So our next trip will be…anywhere else.  And it WON’T involve us going to a time share seminar.  But that story is for another blog post.

[Deep Breath] Baby Registering

It seems that at all the big events in your life people are expected to buy you things.  Birthdays, graduation, weddings, anniversaries.  It’s just what we do I suppose.  Don’t get me wrong, I love presents.  I’m a big fan of Christmas and I love getting birthday presents.  And our wedding?  Come on, that was awesome!  We got to go to the stores we wanted to and make a list of things we expected people to buy us.  What more can you ask for?

Here’s what I didn’t know, what the women folk don’t tell you.  There’s a catch.  It’s called the baby registry.  On the surface it seems a lot like registering for a wedding.  You go to a store, they give you a cool gun and you get to zap to your hearts delight.  That’s what I thought when Ashley and I set out to register the other day.  After 5 minutes I realized I was in way over my head.  At about minute 6 I realized the giant difference between a wedding and baby registry, want vs. need.  When we picked out stuff for the wedding we were like kids in a candy store.  It’s was no holds barred, if you want it you scan it.  A toaster, scan it!  A blender, we want that!  Hey look, a huge silver platter we’ll never use, let’s get it!  Look a river of chocolate, honey a unicorn!  It was like Xanadu.

Now we’re registering for a baby and those kids in the candy store have grown up and are now preparing for a war (If you don’t have kids you think I’m over reacting, if you have kids you’re nodding and laughing at me).  As we started walking around Babies R Us I realized this isn’t a store like Pottery Barn, full of things that are nice but not necessary.  This is the last stop before the bomb is dropped and you need supplies to survive.

Ashley starts, “Burp cloths, we need burp cloths!”  “Grab the boppy!”  “What’s a boppy?”  “I don’t know, just grab it!”  “Bottles, we have to have bottles!”  “I thought you were breast feeding?”  “Are you retarded, get the bottles!”  Now imagine that for two hours and you’ll get the basic idea of what it was like…ok, I’m exaggerating a bit, but it was rough.  Babies need a lot of stuff!  I feel like we scanned everything in the store but I’m sure we missed some stuff that is vital to a babies survival.

As we were walking in the store Ashley said that Andi and my sister wanted to go with us to register but I thought that was crazy.  We’re adults, we can do this.  After the first hour I not only wanted Andi AND Jackie there but I wanted my mom, Ashley’s mom and any other mom I could get a hold of.  So gentlemen, if you go baby registering and a mom offers to go with you, count your lucky stars and say yes.  And then buy them lunch.

Fatherhood

As you all know (all 4 of my readers) I am about to enter a new, wonderful, scary, time of my life.  I am going to be a father…let that sink in a bit… a father.  Let me give you a little history first.  I spent about 28 years of my life knowing for a fact that I would not have children.  I didn’t want them, they didn’t want me and the world was rotating splendidly.

Then I met Ashley and everything changed for me.  Suddenly I could see myself changing diapers and going to soccer games and not wanting to tear my hair out.  I wanted children… they were considering me.  Fast forward–we moved in, got married, deeply in love– Ashley says, it’s time.  I say, let’s do this.

Now sometimes it can take months to years for couples to finally conceive.  It took us 6 days.  Apparently my application to be a father was approved by TUFAA (The Unborn Fetus Association of America) and I got pushed right to the front of the line.  6 days!  I thought I would have at least a month to prepare myself but not so much.  This is God’s way of punishing me for living a life of impatience.  It’s ok, I deserve it.

I should be scared to death that I’m about to be responsible for a life but I’m not.  What’s scary is how excited I am.  I’m having a boy!  I’m going to teach him to throw a football and how to drive and I’ll show him how to be ignored by women.  I can’t wait until he gets here so I can create a miniature version of me and completely drive Ashley crazy. 

You are, I am…

You’re the best and the coolest.  I’m the worst and the dumbest.  You are like fresh air.  I am like car exhaust.  You are a cuddly puppy.  I’m the lizard fish from the tsunami.  You are a fresh spring rain.  I am a hail storm.  You are sunshine and roses.  I am fog and stink blossoms.  You are a first kiss.  I am a divorce after 25 years.  You are an unexpected gift.  I am an overdue bill.  You are the last day of school.  I am the first day of summer school for kids who can’t read.  You are a picnic in the park.  I am a visit to the proctologist.  You are a fine wine.  I am three month old buttermilk.  You are Burt’s Bees.  I am Charlie’s Crap Gloss.  You are a new 4Runner.  I am an rusted Hyundai.  You are the apple of my eye.  I am the burning sensation that won’t go away.  You are the fountain of youth.  I am the grim reaper.  You are a three course meal.  I am a crappy ham sandwich without mustard.  You are loved by all.  I am despised by most.  You have great friends.  I have evil enemies.  You are a great movie.  I am a public service announcement.  You are a classic book.  I’m a dime store detective novel.  You are Halloween.  I am flag day.  You can lift very heavy objects.  I have the muscles of a 10 year old girl.  You are very wise.  I’m a dunce.  You are happy and fun loving.  I’m in a glass cube of emotion.  You smell like fresh roses and lavender.  I reek of meat and cheese.

Add your own in the comments.

The Black Cab Sessions

One song, one take, one cab

This is pretty cool.  A film company has convinced a ton of great bands to play one of their songs in the back of a cab in London.  They get one song and one take and that’s it.  This kind of thing makes my music pants go crazy.  My favorite is of course the Death Cab for Cutie version of No Sunlight, which is off their new album.  Some other notable bands you should check out on this site is Lightspeed Champion, Spoon (an Austin band), Okkervil River, The Ravonettes, Cold War Kids, The National and The New Pornographers.

But if you’re only going to listen to one of them, which I expect most of you will, check out the Death Cab one.  It’s delicious.